Berry Milewski, National Roast
There are certain places in this country that when we hear their names, they emit a certain feeling that words just can’t describe. They are those places that are so important to our nation, both its history and its culture, that just mentioning them makes you feel important.
Mississauga-Streetsville, the home of the bashful and Hazel McCallion-loving Sean Callaghan, one of the most beloved Prime Ministers in our history.
Glengarry-Prescott-Russell, the rural riding from where Taylor Brown brought beer issues and the significance of Right Honourableness to the forefront of Canadian politics.
Toronto-Danforth, the seat where Oliver Parker rose to the highest levels of power in Canada and founded the largest media empire the world has ever seen.
But the Lord of the Danforth, as Parker is well known, didn’t begin his journey in the place that would become a symbol of prestige and authority. He began in a much more humble and quieter place.
Burlington, Ontario is a medium-sized suburb that is easily missed as one travels down the 401 from Toronto to Hamilton. It doesn’t boast a world famous sports team or Canada’s longest serving mayor. It’s in between Canada’s largest city and the city that drives Canada’s steel industry. To most people it’s nothing more than a stop for gas on the drive across Ontario.
But there is something special about this underwhelming city, something that the untrained eye may never realize. Burlington has quietly become the most influential city in the world.
The Rise of the Parker Dynasty
The Parker Brothers as members of the SWOG Caucus. Oliver (First row, left); Noah (First row, centre); Jake (First row, right); and Josh (Third row, left).
To the people in Burlington, its little surprise that the Oliver Parker rose to such prominence. Not only did he show an aptitude for political work from a young age, but he is part of arguably the post significant political dynasty in Canada’s history.
The Parker family is synonymous with greatness, and it’s their rise to the highest offices in the land began under the leadership of Josh, the eldest of the four.
It was MPSP14, Josh had been a minor player to that point, having been a junior Minister in the previous Parliament. He brought his three younger brothers with him to power when he was deputy leader of STYLE. When the SWAG government fell, Josh rose to Deputy Prime Minister of the STYLE government, installing them in crucial posts, most notably Oliver into the crucial Finance portfolio, and so began the stranglehold that the first family of Burlington would put on the country.
New Kid on the Scene
The next year would see a new Burlingtonian with a bright future step onto the scene, Dan Hux. The Parkers, were quick to bring this far from home newcomer into their ranks, and Hux would remain a key disciple of Oliver’s throughout their parliamentary careers. When the CCCC defeated the CASE government in MPSP15, Burlington would once again put a stranglehold on power. The Parkers were well positioned as powerful Cabinet Ministers when CCCC rose to power under Prime Minister Morgan Bell, and with fellow Burlingtonians Riley Schnurr as Chief Government Whip and Hux as a prominent member of the caucus, Burlington saw massive increases of government funding coming into the riding for a second year in a row. No riding in the country received more tax dollars for infrastructure and community projects, including a massive neon sign denoting it as a “GREAT RIDING”.
New Heights for Burlington
MPSP16 was new height for Burlington. The Parker Brothers, backed up by Hux, Schnurr and Michael Giesbrecht, another newcomer from Burlington, were back once again, this time behind Oliver and the CBC. When BASIC surprised everyone with a strong showing, the BurlyBoys went to work and began to set themselves up for a strong showing.
Oliver, power hungry as ever, went into discussions with Jonah Gowans, leader of HICK, to discuss a potential remedy to the BASIC problem. Oliver was able to place himself as Deputy Leader of the new INC party, and would organize a campaign plan that would drive them to government from behind the scenes.
With Oliver as Deputy Prime Minister, Noah, Jake and Josh as prominent ministers alongside him, Hux at Treasury Board, Giesbrecht at Environment and Schnurr as Deputy Whip, Burlingtonians controlled nearly a third of the cabinet. That influence,
along with a little assistance from Parker allies, was enough to quickly push Gowans out of the Prime Minister’s Seat and place Oliver at the top of the proverbial food chain. After years of playing puppet master, Burlington finally held all of the power, and Oliver would use it, forcing Bill C-401 through the House of Commons to funnel billions more into Burlington. As soon as the bill was passed, Hux allocated the money through the Treasury Board and Giesbrecht fast-tracked the project through the necessary environmental approvals.
But control of Parliament wasn’t enough for the Parkers. During the run up to the MPSP16 election, Oliver founded Roast Media and the National Roast, which effectively decimated the Mope and Wail, driving it into irrelevancy.
Fresh Faces at the Front
In MPSP17, Oliver was the only Parker left in politics. His brothers had all retired, off to Toronto to start their own mega corporation and cash in on the valuable Parker brand. Oliver stepped back from partisanship that year, but not from power and influence. At the request of Governor General Lhori Webster, he accepted a post as the top bureaucrat in the country, the Clerk of the House of Commons.
But Burlington was not left behind. Hux came into the year as the Opposition House Leader and puppet master of HOOK, while Giesbrecht was appointed as Minister of National Defence for the CPU government. Two new Burlingtonians would also join the fray that year, with Quinn Anastas coming in as Parliamentary Secretary and later Finance Minister for CPU alongside Giesbrecht, while Daniel Schnurr, younger brother of Riley, would join Hux in HOOK as a backbencher. For the third year in a row, Burlington controlled the purse strings, but now they also controlled the media through the National Roast, the military and the bureaucracy. There was next to no limit on what Burlington could do, and there were few checks or balances left that they didn’t control.
MPSP18 marked the first time that Burlington openly sought the top job in all the land. The Parkers were gone, Hux had taken over for Oliver as Clerk of the House of Commons, and it was up to Giesbrecht to consolidate their influence in Parliament. Giesbrecht recruited fellow Burlingtonians Anastas and newcomer Tyler Pasta to join him in CASK, while two other new comers, Zackery Boudraheim and Gershon Tsirulnikov, rebelling against the Burlington institution and joining Giesbrecht’s opponent that year, WAVE. Though Giesbrecht would lose the election, he would quickly consolidate Parliament in his corner, creating a majority coalition of CASK, Quartier, and GOT, and also gaining the support of GOP (led by a newly returned Oliver Parker) and ousting WAVE at the first opportunity. With that, Burlington once again controlled every aspect of the country.
When Giesbrecht left the Prime Minister’s seat, it appeared that the Burlington disciples now had lost their power, but the plan wasn’t done. The government that would succeed Giesbrecht, the DADDY Government, was a cult of personality inspired by none other than Dan Hux and Burlington, and would end up being led by Jon Hopkins, a long time puppet of Oliver Parker. Burlington no longer controlled all of the government, Burlington was, in almost every way, the government.
More to Come?
What will happen with Burlington in MPSP19? Well Hux still runs the bureaucracy and the House, and Giesbrecht is the New MP for Burlington and leader of GOP. Tsirulikov appears to be positioned for a top ministry again this year, while the status of other Burlingtonians, such as Boudraheim, Schnurr and newcomer Ashley Stopay, remains unknown. And these establishment politicians are doing everything in their power to protect Burlington from a new flurry of populist attacks against it. The wide majority stands on the side of Burlington for now, but the tides may be changing.
The National Roast 