Marky Mark Critch – The writers here at the Roast have spent countless hours pouring over policy manuals, debate footage, and Twitter feeds – and after some spirited debate – we’ve made our official pick for who deserves to form Canada’s next Government.
The Competition
TOGA, whose leadership was left scrambling after the sudden departure of founder Andrew Potter (under mysterious circumstances), have appeared disorganized and sloppy after a strong start. Their membership has been much less active on Twitter, which could signify a lack of engagement and perhaps a growing feeling of disenchantment within the party with Christina Rideout as Emperor. While sources say their recruitment has been strong, this has not been reflected on social media or at events thus far.
Meanwhile, their platform has left much to be desired, as other than a few early tidbits of policy, their ideas have seemed relatively limited. Sorry – but repeating the same lines about Caesar salad and new chariots for VIA Rail is not good enough.
PPC, who have by contrast remained steadfastly loyal to leader Brian Triska, face similar issues. While the party is certainly united, our writers doubt whether Triska has the charisma to truly impassion his followers and organize a large enough group to form Government. Needing desperately to pick up more members at the Leaders’ Debate, PPC was outperformed by the other two parties at a key juncture and are likely starting from too far back to be a true threat.
After early concerns that their topic would be too similar to previous parties, PPC have allayed these fears somewhat with the release of policies such as Ballin Island, but these might be too little, too late.
Lastly, we’ll try not to waste too much of your time on GOP. This sorry group of former PMs already had their chance to lead our country, and we’re no better off because of it. The fewer seats these leeches suck away from honest, hard-working MPs, the better.
The Case for DODO
At the end of the day, our editorial board came to a unanimous decision. DODO have an unrivaled balance between experience and youth, seriousness and satire, and engagement and support.
Policy – DODO has demonstrated time and time again over the past few months that they have the most thorough plan for Canada. Their overarching theme of “bringing Canada back” has been executed masterfully, and neither of their opponents can boast such a clear and decisive message. Plans to abolish the alphabet, demolish existing infrastructure, backtrack the curriculum, and sack Manitoba are in stark contrast to the nation-building policies that we’re used to; but after years of wasteful spending, we believe it’s time for Canada to try something new.
While returning to the times of 40,000 BC might sound extreme, without any compelling alternatives offered by TOGA or PPC, we’re ready to give DODO the keys and see where their primitive policies will take us. After they ditch the car, of course. If there is one area that could be criticized, it would be the lack of representation of Bird Front’s quirky policies and ideas after their merger.
Leadership – Alec Connor’s steady hand at the wheel is a definite selling point for DODO. Seen as an early Prime Ministerial favourite by many, his excellent performance at the Leaders’ debate solidified his status as front-runner for the job. Connor has built up a strong, balanced party. Using the absorption of smaller parties Frontier, MILK, and Bird to fuel recruitment, this strategy has swelled the numbers in DODO’s ranks while also providing them with plenty of star power. Frontier yielded them 2018 Rookie of the Year Finnigan Sargeant, MILK added a strong debater and key Francophone contributor in Trevor Stewart, and Bird provided them with a full aviary of eager first-years along with enthusiastic leader Henry Mann.
These additions supplement the strength of the existing CAVE team, including standout Deputy Leader Dana-Kaye Matthews and stoic Chief Whip Daniel Perry. All in all, its a group with considerable experience, while retaining enough youthfulness and hunger to still be exciting and fresh to average Canadians. After the retirement of many long-serving MPs, this was always going to be a year of transition, but DODO is our pick to keep growing pains to a minimum.
Conclusion – DODO, along with its predecessor CAVE, have been frontrunners for most of the campaign, and for good reason. We believe A DODO Government is the most likely to bring success and prosperity to Canada, while also offering the most qualified leadership team of the group. Prime Minister Connor, we’re ready to go back.
The National Roast 